The THINGS I HAVE Learned this year

Last year I wrote the following:

I know I make a lot of jokes as a way of processing my feelings, but I hate, hate, hate that she wants to talk about her funeral. Telling me all the things I make sure I say...Her cooking, and her very special granddaughters, her move to Nashville. "I want Elvis to sing to at my funeral"...I hope she means a recording (JK she does mean a recording).

Telling me to let Colby do whatever he wants to do, "And what will you do if someone says something about Colby?" I told her that I would tell them to Fuck off, and she, of course, laughed and said "That's exactly what I thought you would tell them."

She told me to tell Hannah to make sure she smokes before she comes into the funeral home so that way she's more calm.

I love the life that I have spent with my Gran. I loved that she raised and molded me to be a strong, resilient, capable woman who rolls with the punches like the waves roll with the sea. I love that she says that I am the smartest, strongest, and most stubborn person she has ever met. She knows that I have done many hard things in my life, and going to her funeral, giving her eulogy, will be, by far, the hardest. Gran knows it's what I do...the hard things.

The things I have learned in this year: That joking is a normal way

In this past year I’ve learned that with the bond that Gran and I shared, living a life filled with love and laughter, making jokes is a normal coping mechanism.

I’ve learned that I am truly blessed to have had a line of open and honest communication about what she wanted at her funeral, what she wanted me to say, and how she wanted me to express the love and laughter she had in her life.

I’ve learned that I was granted time to cherish the moment of her last breath without having to worry about her funeral.

I’ve learned that while I have an aptitude to do hard things, I don’t always enjoy doing them.

I’ve learned that grief is not a linear process. I realized that vulnerability is something I needed to work on.

I learned that honoring her wishes makes people angry. I’ve learned that she was right when she said that I give zero fucks about other people’s hatred and anger, but that’s a blog post for another day.